Why do our relationships change when we do?Aug 28, 2021
Are you in a relationship slump? If so, hope you enjoy this post. Let's talk about why our relationships change when we do.
Feeling unfulfilled, incomplete, or complacent in our relationships is never a good feeling. When we plot our strategies to succeed in an aka happy life, we could not help but wonder: was it the right time to think about changing for a blissful future? Where am I now, and how come I lost track in the muddy middle? Will I lose something or got a new chance?
-My observation; it is probably both, we lose something, and we get something-
I am writing about my personal change and how it affects my relationship because it dawned on me that most decisions are still my turn. I am solely responsible for any action I take which will affect my life and my relationships.
I am about to buy a house for my disabled father with my two stepbrothers. This project means a lot to me. At the same time, it will be my safe spot when I retire.
Can you imagine? I was so afraid of taking this step on my own. Because of my fear, it took me years to develop my kind of safe future.
My partner doesn't want to settle down or buy a house. He likes to be free as a bird. So, I have to figure things on my own. As I grew, I found a new sense of safety. I learned that I can still go for my dreams. No matter what, I have got my back. A relationship can be an add-on, the icing on the cake. It is never the insurance for things I want to have, develop, build or dream of. Neither should it be a place "on stage" where I need to play a role. I only figured what I genuinely wanted three years ago. I was devastated, terrified, lost in the muddy middle of my life again. I realized that relationships don't always function as a life strategy. We are humans with the need to grow. We tend to look for answers even if we have not yet the concrete question to those answers.
Why? Answers are reassuring. Aren't they?
This idea of the book untamed by Glennon Doyle nailed it pretty well: "We strive so mightily to be good: good partners, daughters, mothers, employees, and friends. We hope all this striving will make us feel alive. Instead, it leaves us feeling weary, stuck, overwhelmed, and underwhelmed. We look at our lives: Wasn't it all supposed to be more beautiful than this? We quickly silence that question, telling ourselves to be grateful, hiding our discontent—even from ourselves."
I figured out how to walk on eggshells in my relationships; be the woman who he desires. Today I am the women that I desire. And he probably still desires this woman too! I made a change IN MYSELF. I managed to respond to my challenges and feelings consciously. To understand that I belong and that I am loved, no matter what, made it possible to go out and grow. Today my relationship is at a whole new level. Not only was I able to set healthy boundaries -where eggshells have been previously. My personal change affected my relationships sustainably:
I stopped talking in absolutes.
I don't expect others to "fix" my emotional mess
Instead of dropping "hints" to get my needs fulfilled - I articulate what I need.
Quite odd to recap my past strategies from a new point of view. Oh boy, I must have been quite anxious over those years. Being 40, I do have many different needs now than in my 20ies! I really learned to step up for myself, having the capacity to be both vulnerable and fierce.
Don't fret about changing because you fear the reactions of friends or loved ones. Or because you think you shouldn't. When it is time for a change, go out and find out what life has for you. Time is precious, and nobody needs to lurch through life caught in a situation without personal freedom. You won't be alone. ♡